Burian Emaradu (celticacid) wrote in mens_studies,
Burian Emaradu
celticacid
mens_studies

A young man wonders

I'm 22 and I work as an offshore production clerk in the Louisiana Oilfield. I'm two hours away from my home and i'm STUCK out here. When something goes wrong (Water getting shut off becasue I did'nt transfer my name onto the new home i bought)at home I hate it, there is'nt a whole bunch that I really can do. It makes me feel terrible that I am sucking terribly at what i'm trying to do...be a provider(the one thing my father only ever was....)I mean I can't say i'm failing, or that I am not entranced with the concept of being her every salvation and shining light(Who I sometimes feel she wants more than anyhting)....but i'm tragically mortal, prone to hazards and down cycles. I want to be stronger for her. I want to feel like a man not like some akward irresponsible 15 year old that i'm accused of being and often feel like I am. Do guys these days even face problems like this? I mean the very concept of being a man is changing to mean almost nothing...it sounds almost archaic to face a crisis like this.. but I mean, I want to possess confidence and be powerful, I want to be loved by her, but more than that I want to be admired by her. I don't care for machismo, it's about those subtle inner strengths, those issues of character... I want to be like my grandfather, a leader of his community, his church,(Though I remain proudly atheist I respect his reliougness as he approaches it with his heart and his mind) respected by his brothers and his son and his family, a man whose name precedes him, a man known for his integrity and his willingness to do what is needed.
xposted to my personal journal.
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